Easter is for thanking Jebus

Easter is here! And it is for thanking the lord and savior — Jebus. It is important to remember all that Jebus has done for us, and to thank and praise him for it. So here we go!

Thank you, Jebus, for "dying" in order to absorb the metaphysical manifestation of my actions, feelings, and ancestry arbitrarily defined as bad by your father, who is also you, so that you could save me from the punishment that you/your father created with your unlimited power, and yet cannot save me from unless I pledge my metaphysical life force to you, so that you can find the magical power necessary to forgive me for things that do not involve you and for my ancestors who did not blindly bend to your authoritarian will, so that I, free from the magical remnants of my actions, thoughts, and ancestry, can go to Heaven, a perfect utopia in which I assume there is no free will in order to prevent further metaphysical evil from being created by thoughts and actions which are arbitrarily defined as evil and do not have any actual bad consequences except the bad consequences you created for them, then warned me and other humans about out of the arbitrarily inherent goodness of your heart, and from which you have now saved us by becoming our authoritarian savior, who should never be criticized, because your feelings as well as your absolute power over everything supersedes my opinion and the right to express my opinion, lest I take from you the magical power you need to forgive me and thereby remove the metaphysical evil which is created within the framework of metaphysical laws you created but cannot undo with your infinite power and ability to do anything, which is why you selflessly offered to become the lord of everything in order to get the magical power needed to forgive me and other humans and thus save us from the consequences you created for the evil you defined but do not really care about as long as you, indeed, are the lord of everything and everyone.

Okay, I know that was a very long sentence, which was extremely uncomfortable to read, to say the least. But you are supposed to be uncomfortable on Good Friday. Just think of the sacrifices Jebus made. We really should thank him, don't you think? And while we are at it, now that Easter is upon us, I pray the war on Easter will not be as mercilessly brutal and bloody as the war on Christmas. May Gawd and Jebus save us all from the evils of a multicultural society.