Christians and Jews have the Ten Commandments, but atheists have nothing. I must admit I'm jealous; I wish we had an arbitrary list of bullshit. So I made up my own! These are rules every atheist must follow, lest they be shot in the head by me. Murder isn't okay, you say? Well, worry not! Atheists apparently have no morals, so we must think murder is okay. If a religious person reads this, know that I am speaking sarcastically. Oh, why am I even trying? You only believe shit you read in one book. Here are my Ten Commandments of Science.
1. Thou shalt not follow arbitrary rules or commandments.
Right off the bat—contradictory. I thought, if religion can be contradictory, even stupid, why not my list of rules? This rule is about thinking for yourself, so it is a good rule, but it is a rule about not following rules, so that makes it stupid. It makes the rest of the list unnecessary, but fuck it. You must follow all my rules, but if you follow this one, you’ll not follow the rest, which means I'll shoot you in the head. If you follow the rest, you will not follow this one. Bullet to the brain. I think this perfectly shows the stupidity of arbitrary lists of rules: it's impossible to follow them.
2. Thou shalt think for thyself.
Repetitive. What was that? Repetitive. Religion likes to be repetitive. Religion is repetitive. Did you get it? Okay, good. I get it, though. There's a saying that a lie said once is known as a lie, but say it a thousand times and it becomes true. I'm paraphrasing and I don't know who said it, but it makes sense: repetition is the cornerstone of brainwashing. Why bring it up? Because the first commandment was about thinking for yourself and now I am stating it again, but more clearly. Think for yourself. Think for yourself. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Think. Okay?
3. Thou shalt pray to Charles Darwin.
There are many scientists to worship, so to whom should we pray? Well, fuck it, why not just choose Darwin? He embodies the struggles many scientists had in the past, and perhaps even today: he found it difficult to reconcile his scientific findings with his faith. Christians claim they're right because great scientists in the past were believers, but they never mention Darwin, who at his peak was agnostic, but never claimed to be an atheist. First of all, it's dumb to claim the religion is right because any specific person believes in it, especially if said person lived during a time when all were religious. Secondly, what's wrong with Charles "The Monkey Man" Darwin? I say we ought to worship him. So pray away the stupid.
4. Thou shalt face toward the Galápagos Islands while praying.
When praying to Charles Darwin, always face toward the Galápagos Islands. It's very important. Charles Darwin is omnipresent, but he can only hear you if you face the right way. I do not know why. Just do it. Oh, and if you see a neighbor praying to Lord Darwin in another direction, use gravity to expunge their genes from the Great Pool.
5. Thou shalt question everything.
If your neighbor doesn't think for himself, strap him to a chair and beat logic into his cranium. But seriously, repetition. This rule is the same as those telling you to think for yourself. Critical thinking is good. Repetition is good for truths and lies. Tell a lie many times, some may start to believe it. Tell a truth many times, it may get lodged in your cranium. Repetition is the key either way.
6. Thou shalt make use of medical procedures to murder goo in thy vagina.
It's amazing how some can be pro-life and also stand for felling entire woods, polluting the atmosphere, hunting for sport, making laws to allow you to shoot anyone on your property, and bombing the fuck out of foreigners. Hypocrisy, thy name is right-wing politics and beliefs. I say we teach those assholes a lesson. I hereby make it a rule to always scrape the goo from your vagina, if you are a woman; you're no longer allowed to have children. We have too many people, anyway. And isn't that what religion is all about? Making pointless rules that cause more harm than good? Although... fewer kids would be good, because it's getting pretty crowded. No, but do as you please. I do not care. I have no right telling women what to do with their bodies, and that is how it should be. Women shouldn't even have a right to decide what women can do with their bodies, because it's up to each individual. Imposing arbitrary laws on others, based on individual preferences, is a form of dictatorship.
7. Thou shalt not exclude facts in thy arguments and research.
A very good rule—one religious people will hate. Always use facts and logic. And always base your opinions and beliefs on evidence. Of course, that'd make them quite the opposite, but what word is used as the opposite of belief? Knowledge?
8. Thou shalt become cynical and angry.
A view many have of atheists is that we're mad at God. I mean... that's just... the fuck! It's their way of saying, "Everyone believes in God." It's no wonder we're angry, frustrated, and cynical, when theists add so much shit to the world and then blame us, by saying we caused it because we hate God. It is as if they mean it's justified for God to do wicked things if people don't worship him. I mean... THE FUCK!
9. Thou shalt be as childish as God-believers.
Once again, seriously. This time, the fault lies not with the theists, but the atheists. We claim we are so much smarter because we do not believe in fairy tales; we use eloquent terms to describe how we use logic and facts, while Christians are just childish. And then you watch a video on YouTube, and in the comments atheists and theists have a flame war, saying "Idiot" back and forth. Sometimes the theist is rude first. It is unnecessary to stoop to the same childish level, as arguments are won with logic and facts, never insults. Other times it is the atheist who starts by calling a perfectly pleasant theist "idiot" just because said person believes in God. I disdain such people. Yes, to believe in fairy tales is stupid, but behave like an adult, you idiot.
10. Thou shalt become a douche who's worried about being politically correct.
Left-wingers and right-wingers are very different in this regard. Right-wingers do not give a shit about political correctness, as several of them are bigots. Left-wingers are too concerned with political correctness. They seem more interested in protecting minorities from anything that may seem like racism than in actually vanquishing racism. Let me give you an example: nigger. There, this blog post just became racist. No, that's untrue, but we have become fixated on words and euphemisms to hide the truth. I say it should be a rule to be a douche who thinks they're a good person because they're so considerate that they say "the N-Word" instead. Oh, God, how I miss the late, great George Carlin! Or, well, I found him after he died, so I'm not sure I can miss him, per se. But he'll live on through YouTube videos and he is pretty damn awesome.