Jesus is real, folks! I had a dream last night. In this dream, I stood all alone in an empty field, drenched in solid darkness, except for an eerie light around me, with seemingly no source. From the dark heavens, a bright, white light blinded me, and what looked like a man descended. But it was no man; it was a god, the god—God, in the form of Jesus Christ. He told me something important.
No homo (or should I say "no Jesusexual"?), but Jesus looked heavenly, with his long, wavy, brown hair; white, American looks; and eyes as deep and blue as the ocean. All the western depictions of Jesus were spot on; he didn't look at all like he was from the Middle East. He brushed his untamed locks and curls from his face, and smiled with those shiny, white teeth, another testament to the fact that white is simply always better. Then he changed my life; I can now feel Jesus deep inside of me.
Jesus told me to change my sinful ways. He said if I continue on the sinful path of not believing in a supernatural deity which has the moral authority to decide what is objectively moral, I will be sent to burn in hell. If I continue to advocate for equality, science, and socialism, I would regret it through eternity, even though Jesus admitted he had, in fact, experimented with socialism in his youth. He said it is not okay to be a bleeding-heart libtard; Jesus said one should be a Republican, so afraid of change that the very word "progressive" scares one shitless. In short, Jesus said I must embrace God through the love of Jesus Christ, so God doesn't send me to hell. Or won't save me. Or something.
As an atheist, I am sure you can imagine my doubt, but when the maggot-infested ground opened up by my feet, as earth fell into the darkness and roots were torn apart from each other, my mind changed. Below, in the darkness, I saw something: it was the devil, with a wicked smile and Hitchens by his side. Well, Hitchens was actually on his knees below Satan, showing him some love. There were also single mothers with high-paying jobs down there, worshipping the dark lord.
Clearly, homosexuality is immoral and should be outlawed. And we must make sure women know their correct place in society and in the household. Aborting the mucus inside their vaginas is also wrong, even before the mucus has developed the ability to think and feel. However, women are also not allowed to have children without a husband to provide for them. Pregnant and single women better put up their kids for adoption, because they shouldn't keep them, even if they want to do so. A woman who has rebelled against God? That cannot possibly be a good parent.
We, the men who are supposed to be in charge, must stop women from having sex until they are married—and thus in the possession of their husbands, as God wants—by deciding what they can and cannot do with their own uteruses. Also, condoms were invented by Satan, you know. If one of those sinful sluts should manage to corrupt a man with her Eve-inspired tricks, we must fight those libtards who want to place her poor child in a loving family with parents of the same gender. Yuck, right? It is much better to place the child in a good Christian home so the righteous fear of God and the hatred of foreigners, atheists, women, and homosexuals can be put into their tiny brains. And then the child will get some water splashed on its forehead, the ticket into heaven; clearly, those who don't get water on their foreheads are the spawn of Satan.
So, no homosexuals, women should know their place, no abortions, and a whole bunch of crazy shit. Because God. Because the only way to gain entry into the kingdom of God is by accepting Jesus and all of the stupid rules written in the xenophobic, misogynistic, homophobic shit that is the Bible. Forget about logic, science, and reality. Forget about being a good person. Just accept the Jew Jesus and become a Christian. Because April Fools' Day is a good time to be a fool, like the rest of those who are brainwashed to believe in a lie whose liars are long since dead.