I Am Heretic #11: Bible Answers

"I Am Heretic" is a satirical comic, often accompanied with commentary in the form of an article. Download the comic strip from this issue (right click, save as...).


God is a petty, malevolent dictator, who deserves to burn in hell for all he’s done. So help me God, I want God to burn in hell.

To quote a certain Mr. Homer Jay Simpson, "This book doesn't have any answers!" There is only one thing the Christians use in their decision making process, and it isn't their brains; it is the Bible. Everybody knows God gave humans brains so we couldn't use them; thinking for ourselves is the worst of all sins. Murder, genocide, slavery, rape, child molestation, and adultery are bad, but are all forgiven by saying, "Oh gee, Lord. Uhm, I'm sorry, or whatever. Please let me be your humble slave, and I promise I'll only kill and rape on weekends." And God responds, "Sure, my child. That sounds swell. You know, I got plans to launch a hurricane into Africa this weekend, to kill some poor non-Christians. Wanna join me?" The rapist responds, "Sorry, I got plans, too."

But thinking for ourselves? Not being slaves to God? Not following his arbitrary and inarguably stupid list of rules? Uttering God's name in a "bad" way? There's no forgiveness for that, because God is a petty, malevolent dictator, who deserves to burn in hell for all he's done. So help me God, I want God to burn in hell.

The devil’s greatest trick was convincing the world he’s God and God is good.

The film The Usual Suspects says the devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he doesn't exist. But the devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he's God and God is good. I often wonder how anyone can actually fall for this trick. If you even read the Bible poorly, you learn of God's horrors: murdering firstborns; drowning animals, men, women, children, babies; ruining lives to test faith and prove a point to the devil; and much else. Why would anybody wish to worship God, feed his ego, and give him power? Dictators are to be dethroned.

I don't believe in Swiss-cheese Bible tales, like Noah, a five-hundred-year-old man who gathers two of every animal. I suppose he skipped birds and sea creatures, but there are still thousands of species, all on the ONE boat; that must be one big, fucking boat. And two individuals is barely a gene footbath, let alone a gene pool. From the book that has this story, which is not even good if it's considered to be fiction, which it is, Christians find answers to life. It's like… HOW? How can it solve issues of the twenty-first century when it's written for ancient desert dwellers?

Like sports, all religion seems to do is inspire violence and hate. Sure, there's a sense of community and hope. Not everything about religion is bad. Plenty of stuff the Bible says is good, though its setting is dumb. But the rest is immoral; it tells us to love enemies, and punish those who break arbitrary rules. Monsters justify their actions, and crazy people do horrid things. Sure, religion gives some people hope and community, but that doesn't make it valid, and especially not since it also results in so much bigotry and death.

I don’t believe in Swiss-cheese Bible tales.

For a book that supposedly has all the answers and is good, the Bible sure leads to lots of prejudice, death, and destruction.

BIBLE ANSWERS: This is a short comic strip. It was written and designed by Patrick Hall on May 11, 2014. Copyright © 2014 by Patrick Hall. All rights reserved. Feel free to download it and spread it around, as long as you credit the source and don't charge people for it.