I Am Heretic #10: Split Personalities

"I Am Heretic" is a satirical comic, often accompanied with commentary in the form of an article. Download the comic strip from this issue (right click, save as...).


It seems Jesus suffered from what is known as dissociative identity disorder—split personalities.

Have you ever wondered how God and Jesus Christ can be one and the same? Well, I have, too, and I did some research on the subject. I found something very interesting; I found the diary of Jesus Christ. Yes, really. And what I read was... Well, let's just say it was deeply disturbing. It seems Jesus suffered from what is known as dissociative identity disorder—split personalities.

In all seriousness, though, doesn't it seem odd that Jesus and God are supposed to both be God? A thought that comes to me is, if they're both God, why not just pray to God? Why beg Jesus for help? And why is his name even Jesus? Why not God?

God is delusional because he hates everyone. Jesus is delusional because he loves everyone.

But what this issue of "I Am Heretic" is about is how God and Jesus are so utterly different, each one could have a separate religion. Think about it. God likes to murder the innocent. Jesus wants us to love everyone, including Hitler. God likes to punish people who are barely sinners, if not guilty of merely thinking for themselves. Jesus wants women to open up their legs for rapists, because you should love your enemy. God likes to drown babies. Jesus wants us to know it is very bad to murder, but murderers aren't bad. God likes to test our blind devotion to him by ruining our lives, and if we fail, he sends us to hell. Jesus spends most of his time in La La Land, where evil people roam free because you turn the other cheek and have more power because their prey lives by the Golden Rule. God is delusional because he hates everyone. Jesus is delusional because he loves everyone. If only we could merge them to get one levelheaded deity...

The Golden Rule is arguably good in theory. But unless everyone follows it in practice, it will make you a pushover with a malleable brain ready to be washed.

But don't get me wrong: The Golden Rule is arguably good in theory. But unless everyone follows it in practice, it will make you a pushover with a malleable brain ready to be washed. And the Golden Rule doesn't even make sense in all situations. It is not healthy to hate, but some people do deserve our hate; some do deserve pain and suffering; some do deserve to die. Like God, for example. If we go by the Bible, God is the worst ethnic cleanser that's ever existed; he murdered millions of humans, trying to cleanse us from the face of the Earth, because he saw us as lesser, unimportant, and deeply flawed beings. Arguably, if he'd succeeded, Mother Earth would be thankful, but I still think it's a dick move. Perhaps that is why Jesus is so different from God; perhaps he isn't really different, but he's trying to make us think we should love everyone, including bad guys, so we won't rebel against God, who obviously is the primary antagonist of the Bible.

For our own sake, we shouldn't hate and be angry; we should focus on the positive in our lives. But bad people don't deserve happiness; they don't deserve to laugh and smile and play and fuck. Murderers, rapists, dictators, other such people, and God should lead miserable lives. Unless, of course, they regret what they've done and redeem themselves... not to sound preachy.

Either whoever wrote the Bible is a complete moron who can’t write, which is also evident by all the plot holes, or Jesus suffered from dissociative identity disorder, not to mention delusions of grandeur and the worst case of Jerusalem syndrome the world has ever seen.

But let's say God actually suffers from split personalities, one being super angry and the other being a moron who thinks sins are bad, but sinners are good, as though we are not responsible for our own actions. This leaves two options: Either whoever wrote the Bible is a complete moron who can't write, which is also evident by all the plot holes, or Jesus suffered from dissociative identity disorder, not to mention delusions of grandeur and the worst case of Jerusalem syndrome the world has ever seen. To further prove my point, here is a comic strip of how I think this personality split coexisted for quite some time, before the differences caused God and Jesus to physically split in two, thus becoming the Father and the Son. I'm still trying to figure out how the Holy Spirit fits into this bullshit.

SPLIT PERSONALITIES: This is a short comic strip. It was written and designed by Patrick Hall on May 5, 2014. Copyright © 2014 by Patrick Hall. All rights reserved. Feel free to download it and spread it around, as long as you credit the source and don't charge people for it.